Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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