Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
