sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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