Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
