I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize