I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
