there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
