i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
