Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
