fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
