he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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