After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
