that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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