Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
