He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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