Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
