She's like a pop up book from hell.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
