First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
