The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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