we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
