I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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