Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
