I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
