One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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