Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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