onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
