who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My feet surprised me
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