I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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