I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ttyl tear gas
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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