the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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