Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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