4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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