I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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