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im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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