I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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