considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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