Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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