I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
