1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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