Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
