Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
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Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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