erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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