at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
