You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
