and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
