When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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