Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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