is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
