Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
