I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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