Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So many bounce houses so little time
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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