ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
