Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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