I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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