Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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