I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
