laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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